Something I Can Never Have by Travis Thrasher

Author:Travis Thrasher [Thrasher, Travis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Horror
Publisher: Lucas Lane Publishers
Published: 2011-12-11T00:00:00+00:00

August 10, 1997

Dear Dr. Barlow:

The nightmares are back. The kind I scream inside of. The kind I remember vividly when I get out of. They’re black and gray and red and swirling like a tornado and I’m there in the middle right in the middle with my mouth laughing opened wide.

I have tried to avoid everything and just focus on my job. But my job reinforces the dreams inside. The light I see on others’ faces and in their spirits only reminds me what a phony fraud I’ve been my whole life. You know, don’t you? Only I know you wouldn’t call it that. You would say I’m coping, that I have been coping since I’ve had to, that I’ve been using this as a defense to keep living and breathing. But sometimes I don’t want to live and I don’t want to breathe.

Then again, sometimes I never want to die. Sometimes I see how badly people want someone to follow, how badly they need something in their lives. Not something that’s real and fearful, like the God of the Old or New Testament. They want more than an aspirin, but less than a God. They want their vices and their Oprahs and their heroes and their gossip. They can want someone like me, too.

But all I want is to see them burst ablaze and go away.

I don’t see us being here much longer, because I feel I’m on my own. Heidi is only becoming more and more withdrawn. Sometimes I can see the fear in her eyes when she looks at me. I’ve apologized and told her that I’ll be getting better, but each day is a little worse.

I just can’t stop spying on her and can’t keep thinking of Cliff. The more I do, the worse it becomes. But frogs have souls, don’t they don’t the bluebirds sing in the night as big and as bad as the owls and the piggies. The piggies that I need to gut and skin and fry up.

I don’t know. It doesn’t make me feel much better, but I try to keep my mind off them.

There are thoughts I have that don’t seem to even be mine. It’s not like it used to be when I’d black out and then come back around. Sometimes I feel myself sinking lower and lower under the surface of something dark and wet and cold. It’s like I’m sleeping, but I’m wide awake with some hideous, faceless, colorless creature keeping my eyelids opened with fingerlike claws. I sink and can no longer breathe. I sink further and can no longer see. I’m still awake and I’m still functioning, but suddenly I just want to make everything out there burn. I want to rip it out of the ground and torch everything and everyone.

You say it’s time you came up here to see me, but I’m not sure. I’m not sure I can dive back into the history and counseling thing. The meds work on and off, but it seems like I’m growing used to them.

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